:)

owell. i have come out of 4 ways to keep myself with no worries! stupid reasonings though.. =X
but. as long as it can keep me from feeling empty. why not? :D

1. sleep!
hahax. hmm. slp is gd. it can let you survive in another reality. whr everything will be so perfect. so marvellous. so sweet. who dont wanna live in that perfect place right? :)
but sadly.. we still have to wake up. and face everything alone again..
not a pretty gd idea aint?

2. busy!
do housework. do homework. do wte work which can keep you soo busy!
it helps i guess. at least it wont let you think so much. it wont let you feel so much. it just keeps your mind occupied and nothing else! :) moreever. you can be so tired at the end of the day that you just collapse onto your bed and leave you no time to cry to sleep! wow. nice. :)
it saves your tears dude!

3. play!
lolx. play. just play any games you can think of. let it be computer games or outdoor indoor games. its gr8!
games allows you to conquer the world you can nv conquer in reality. it lets you have satisfication. it boost your confidence. it allows you to know that you are NOT useless! :)
but but but. it wastes abit too much of energy huh?
waste time too.. =X

4. eat!
ahahahax. eat eat eat! heck whether you will get fat anot! if it can brighten up your day. go ahead! :D
eating can allow a person to be happy. it lets you feel xingfu. esp chocolates from ur loved ones! wow. those gan jue. those sweeet taste. im sure it can leave you smiling whole day can! :)
so throw away all your troubles next time when you eat! enjoy every taste be it sweet bitter sour or salty.
it resembles life! enjoy life before it ends! :)

well. is this called escaping from reality? well. who ask this reality to be so cruel? time to relax bahx.
we have to live in our own utopia sometimes..

smile guys. (:

just tell me im wrong..

escapism.

alone- 1:19 PM

alright-

i shld learn to be more strong i guess. mayb like what charr said. i cannot show my weak side to ppl. i must be happy. so i shall smile! :)

i will try. and i really have to..

today ep outing. :O eating at yuki yuki was ex. real ex. 17+bucks. gosh. my savings are gone half. -.- damn broke broke n broke now. jialat. =X
but my first time in this place is really kinda cool. hahax. eat until i bloat can. dont even need to eat dinner laa! lolx! got laa. one bread. rofl. have some fun lorx. for bbq-ing those stuffs and choosing what to take. :) long time nv lidat le bahx? i guess ep brings me more laughter than ly bahx.. dont ask me why laa..
i miss those times..

so we sang bday songs for zq n pauline. erm. i din sing laa. cuz out of tune one. lolx. so i just clap clap n clap! :) its how sweet right? i so love surprises. :) but i can nv have one.. thats too bad. -.-

well. so we all went different ways after yuki yuki at bout 4+pm. rl ls n i went bkshop cuz rl wanna buy dictionary. LOL. hahax. so ls n i went to walk arnd. in the end the 3 of us were reading those horoscope bks for bout half hr. =X hey. the horoscopes are true can! so true lur! guess i really get to know myself better le bahx. :)

if only this will not end so soon..

brownie pass away le..
i will miss you.

be yourself.

or not?

28052005

alone- 10:19 PM

:'(

cried again. harder this time..
gosh. when can i ever learn to be strong..?

bunny is gna pass away soon..
i was looking at it breathing with difficulty. and there i was. sitting nxt to its cage. staring at it helplessly. i cant do anything.. i feel so utterly useless. holding its fragile hand. i remember the fun times i played with it. and the photo i took with it. and i realised. i hadnt bother to care bout it for so long when my work began to stack up. i hadnt played with it for so long ever since i got a com. i hadnt look at it for so long until just now.. my tears cant stop falling dwn.
7yrs le.. it had been by my side for so many yrs le. and yet i din cherish the times i can have with brownie.
xin zhen de hao tong..

ptm was ok laa.. cried of cuz. -.- luckily only ls is in e class..
i did try my best le. i did. i know i did. but why are my results as sucky as always?
i was ok at first. but as jilaoshi told my mum that i told her i had alrdy tried my best. my mum say she know. she can see me studying. she can see me online-ing lesser. she can see me sacrificing watching my fav tv shows. she can see that..
its how heartbreaking when i let my mum down. its how sad when i let jilaoshi down too.. tears just welled up. i dunno what to say. i dunno what to do. just trying to put up a smile and trying to look at jilaoshi. but probably i was too timid to look at her eyes. or probably i got no face to look at anyone..
its just so upsetting..

i dont understand. why isit like almost everyone is taking me for granted. so isit that i can only be there for you. and i will nv have the chance to need you? why do you guys wanna treat me lidat.
im human too..
im tired. really tired..

plx.

tell me that im not forgotten.

tell me that you still remember me.

alone- 3:38 PM

tired-

im vvv tired now. yawn* guess ive drained myself too much this few days..
i dunno is im slow or what laa. but have been doing hwk till like 12+am this few days. lolx. its really exhausting. and ive got no much time to have a gd rest.
guess the stress period is coming back again. my mood is gg dwn dwn and dwn..

today wasnt having a good mood since morning. and somemore after mrs tan talked to us. i have the urge to cry le.. -.- i dunno why but my voice was like shaking.. i seriously dunno whats wrong with me. guess im just too tired bahx.. or are there other reasons..?

im gna be alright. right?

you ve gotta see our hwk menx! its so little can!! so few that i can cheer and celebrate! -.-
you will be shock when i list out all the hwk for you to see.
this sux big time.

chers dunno how our heart sink when we receive those prezzies from them. you cant expect us to smile. its like soo hard..
im sure you dun wanna see the fake me.
fake smile hen tong ku de..

time is running out..

im trying to be strong.

just teach me how.

alone- 6:25 PM

..

mixed feelings now.

step dwn ceremony was over. finally..
though i have waited for this day for like i dunno how long. i do feel abit of she bu de now.. rl n i missed the chance of wearing cdc clothes the last time. haix. its a pity.. isnt it?

many juniors cried and hugged me. yet im there looking at them. haix.
is it really true that we will only learn how to appreciate the ppl arnd us when they are leaving?
i hope no. but sadly. this is the truth.

was chatting with rl on the way home.
we knew each other for 4yrs le.. o0. 4yrs are not long. yet not short. yet 5 more mths and we are seperating.. she say she will miss me. yay. :)

today dunno why we are so sianx. mayb we had slacked too much? hahax. the whole morning was wasted. no cher. whee~ wonder when will we ever have this chance again.. chatted with khang charr n jl. we gossip alot.. -.- typical girls. :P
chatted with jilaoshi during pc. so she told us of some incidents which once happened in chungcheng. abit eerie though.. and abit sad.. haix.

so ive got a white form. to see form cher. l1r5 24..
i shall not find excuses for myself. im just gna accept this. this is me.

Does your name begin with: H
You seek a mate who can enhance your zest for life ,fun & everything You seek for. You will be very generous to your lover once you have Attained a commitment. You are very affectionate & very strong. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be very careful with your every move and equally cautious in your involvement's often as you believe that you have to look out for yourself. You are a sensual and patient lover. You will hold off till everything meets your full approval. You are a perfectionist, hard to satisfy and strong in your beliefs. Not influential, you always stand your ground. People can always count on you to stand by them in a crisis. You are a dreamer with/ a passion for life.

true? most of them are kinda true bahx.. =X

woyaode

shinazhongyimendougeibuliaode

xingfudeganjue..

alone- 6:08 PM

/

sad.
i dont know why this feeling has been hidden inside me from just now till now 3.35pm. and its getting deeper. not trying to get rid of itself.. -.-

many ppl arnd me are sad. :( which eventually made me sad too laa.. haix.
everyone has their own problems. thats why im trying not to tell anyone my troubles. trying to keep to myself. trying to learn to accept it. trying to escape from this cruel reality..

i dunno if im selfish anot for not letting my friends know more about me.. im just scared. so scared that ppl will get irritated by me. so scared that no one will care for me anymore. so scared that history will repeat itself..

i dont want ppl to detest me. i dont want ppl to start drifting further and further away from me. i dont want ppl to ignore me. and most of all. im afraid to be all alone again..

i dont know how to an wei ppl. i dont know how to make ppl laugh. i dont know how to face cold replies.. i know im baichi. but what you want me to do.. i can only sit there. listening to your problems. trying to give you some lame advice which you alrdy know. praying that you can get better.
see. im so damn fcuking useless..

sry guys..

yet i really hope that you can still share ur fannao and kuaile with me.. i will definitely be glad. very glad to have the honour to be there for you. :)

guys.
zhunimenyongyuanxingfu.
jideyaokuaileworx.. :)

if one day u feel like crying, call me. i dont promise that i will make u laugh, but i can cry with u.
if one day u want to run away, dont be afraid to call me. i dont promise to ask u to stop, but i can run with u.
if one day u dont want to listen to anyone, call me. i promise to be there for u, but also promise to remain quiet.
but one day if u call, and there is no anwser. come fast to see me.
perhaps i need u..

whydothingsalwayshappen

inanunexpectedway..

alone- 3:37 PM

-

hmm.. my mood was down now.
was roaming arnd friendster just now cuz i was horribly bored. saw khang added new photox. so i went to see which class photos she uploaded. :P then i saw her testimonials..
gosh. so sad laa.. -.-
i dunno what to say.. cuz im not gd at words. but just those weird feelings the monials gave me.. 6 more mths. and tada. we will have to walk our own seperate ways.. i guess she have said the words i wanna say..

my l1r5 wasnt gr8. in fact it was quite terrible. -.- but i shld be glad somehow that my emaths sorta pull me up aLOT for my ave. ty emaths. i love you. lolx. but got alot of careless mistakes. mayb.. i could have gotten higher? =X forget it. whats done is done.
failed 2 subj overall. combine humans and physics. gosh. why do i fail my physics again and again.. :( i dunno how to buck up on my english. i dunno who to ask. i dunno how to help myself.. -.-

went to pp ytd. hahax. ate burger king!! yay! so long nv eat le.. :)
after that we went to buy sean's bday present. hahax. it must have been a nice surprise to him yea. :) i dunno why but i just so love to see the ppl arnd me to be happy.

i hope the happy moments wont end so soon. but i doubt so.. was asking. why do we hafta grow up? mum said. sing that bu xiang zhang da de song lorx. -.-

yay. sorta got a ep outing on next sunday? yay. :) i gg bahx. but i think of the money im gna spend.. T-T lolx. money was gg out. and not coming back!! okok. shall stop this money thingy. whats more impt is happy yea? :) last yr le. i hope we can spend the best moments with each other again.
im gna be cheerful.

was having piano lesson today.

cher: u understand anot?
me: *nod head*
cher: eh. you better write it down.
me: orh
cher: if not later after 1min you will forget again.
me: *laugh. -.-*

younvknowyourlilaction

canbrightenupaperson'sday.

ty.

:)

alone- 1:12 PM

:(

this is way too tough for me..

flunked my exams totally.. congratulations to me.
im trying to smile! im trying to joke! im trying to be happy le..
wochengdehaoxingku..
haix.

ty guys for being there for me. i shld really feel content..
but i dunno why im not..
im not jealous. im just envious..

yuanlaikuduole.

zhendehuileide..

alone- 10:11 PM

why is my life in a mess again.

icantstopgniyrc.

alone- 3:15 PM

:(
hmm. got dao-ed by mum the whole day. for i dunno what reason.
god. teach me how. tell me why.

today's outing was ok. and so i finally agreed to ride that bike. -.- so malu! and i dunno why ppl like to bike so much. leg pain lur. butt also pain! lolx.
its quite fun at the beach. :) first time in my life i had a feel of the sea water and the sand. first time in my life i rode a bicycle. first time in my life i came to the beach with my classmates. :)
we took alot of photos menx. bout 60? hahax. and u know what? less than 10 of them have my face inside. -.- cuz mainly was i taking photos of them.. =X
was kinda happy that they had enjoyed themselves. :) i was dead beat somehow. which i dunno why cuz i was suppose to be the free loader as they take turns to ride me. LOL. :P just hope i dont get heat stroke..

i dont wanna take initiative. not anymore. im sick of being dao-ed. im sick of being rejected. im sick of everything.

adults are weird. they just so love to scold me. :) fine. thats it. go ahead. spam me with vulgarities! 16yrs le. i should be used to it by now..
you just dont care. no one does..

i guess i cant protect myself much. im just so useless. and i get hurt easily. once again..

justleavemealone.
noonecares-

alone- 8:24 PM

?

im actually really very content with my marks for now.
its not very gd. neither is it very bad.
its just so so so average.
but i dunno why i just couldnt smile whole heartedly..

sat.
finished watching fruits basket after i borrowed yq's vcd for like half a yr? -.- sry.. =X but time was really packed. thank god ive finished watching le.
and hey you know what?! ah jia is so god damn shuai lur! :D and so bloody hell cute! rofl! :P alright im not fa hua chi-ing.. -.- but that moment when he hug xiao tou my heart really melted oplx. its just so sweeeeet menx.. :)

sun.
went to visit third aunt. lolx. i forgot when is the last time i went to visit her.. guess its bout alot of yrs ago bahx.. =X bukit panjang is really far.. lolx. and so. the houses there rox. with beautiful designs. but seriously i prefer the east. cuz all my friends are here. :)

mon.
got back english paper 1 hcl paper 1 n chemistry.
i dint excel in any. but i should feel relieve somehow? at least its not the worst.. but this 3 papers are alrdy so average. i dunno what to expect for the rest of my papers.. i just really hope that i could pass all. but erm..
dreams dont come true.

tml class outing. i seriously dont feel like gg.. i dunno if i should go anot.. i just dun want to regret again.. :( i dun wanna be a burden to everyone. not like last yr plx. i dont want history to repeat again.. haix.
im struggling for an answer.

iwanttoprotectmyself

fromanyhurtanymore..

alone- 5:47 PM

finally-

so yea. its finally over after 2wks of hard work..
dont tell me hard work will sort of pay off.
i dont want to be disappointed anymore.

though its over. seriously. i dont feel happy. not at all. i dont feel excited. not at all. i feel nothing.. thats sad huh.. i cant enjoy like i usually do. and. i dont know why.. :(
isit becuz i did not try my best? or isit really becuz im numbed by the lousy grades i have been getting?

i dont understand chers. why do they want to demoralize us again. and again..
the papers are like so hard can? i really feel so dui bu qi my tuition chers laa.. :(

have been slping at bout 12 these few days. and im totally drained. i can feel fever sympton coming.. -.- n guess what. i fell aslp while i was doing the english paper ytd. waa. HIONG can.. -.- first time in my life i slpt during an exam. and i only wake up at the last half hr. die liao lorx. sure fail le.. -.-

i got no confidence in passing. how..?
i can feel 16points for my L1R5 for olvl le.. -.-
dashed dreams?

went out with rl khang jl n tony. :) spent aLOT of money today lur. heart pain. -.- play the arcade quite fun laa. hahax. spent 2bucks on arcade. and for both i got the last sec. -.- and poor jl got last. =X it seems that everytime i play for the car racing thing. i ll always get the last second one? lolx. but its fun. :) and oya. i like the music thing. it somehow resemble the o2jam. :) memories came back. dunno is a good thing or not laa. lolx.. anyway its over. why think? :)

its been a nice day. :) just that i have been spending real lots of money nowadays. -.- n i declare broke from now on. dont tell me to spend anymore money.. :(

and erm. voting is over. and i vote for oppo. :) dont ask me why.

well.. i will melt if any guy will play that song for me. gosh. so sweeet lur. :P
im not despo kae. -.-

i will wait forever.

if you promise you will be there too.

:)

alone- 6:12 PM

what do our tear contains?
will we dehydrate if we cry too much?

why do i keep trying to search for a gleam of hope
when all i get back is just disappoinment..

nightmare.

alone- 7:09 AM

haoleiah-

this few days have been muggin till like 12+.. i know i shldnt slp so late.. but i just cant take any blow of not scoring well again.. i wanna do my best so that i wont regret. but after this 4 papers.. my confidence had somehow dropped alot.. -.-

tues.
watched hying n jl play wushu during pc. :) they did a gr8 job! hahax. n the sword nearly poke me. -.- if theres music as the bg im sure the whole effect will be better yea. :P
and oya. sean's bday! lolx. sang bday song for him. :) so sad mine is not on wkday.. guess im gna spend it alone again this yr..

wed.
im so stress. so stress that i nearly broke dwn.. buganku.. staring at the amaths qn really left me so helpless.. :(
thank god cuzzin spend 3hrs teaching me. :) i feel so bad lur.. he just came hm from work then i go disturb him.. =X
saw a kitten in the morning. so cute. :) but it nearly got knocked dwn by a car.. -.- thank goodness it had been saved alrdy? not sure though. just saw a lady brought it to a pet shop after school only. yay. so nice. :)

thurs.
amaths n ss paper. amaths is confirm can pass.. but as for gd or not.. i really dont know.. -.- ss paper no confidence of passing at all.. same problem. limited vocab. -.-

fri.
today im alrdy half dead. finally tahan until friday le..
chem n egeog. -.- chem is like so hard? i dont even know if i can pass. egeog is ok.. but not enough time lur.. that koh keep talking shit. disturb my mind. -.-

im flunking.
was doing the papers until i feel like tearing the paper off so that i can have a gd slp lur.. im so dead beat.
haix. 6more paper to go.. we can do it guys. i mean we MUST do it! jia you! hurry ao guo jiu can enjoy le. :D

its finally over 200 le. :)

i want to keep my promise to myself.

alone- 4:11 PM

040506.

:)

alone- 11:59 PM

0105. :O

bro's bday. 20yrs old le.. -.- an age starting with 2 seems so big..
why do time flies when they dont have wings? can i fly too? :(

bought him ice cream ytd. o0. finally gave him smth after so many yrs.. his ice cream is so ex. -.- 1+bucks? lolx. ive nv eaten ice cream more ex than 1buck for ages.. and he got the chance to ytd. -.- count him lucky behx. lolx. im such nice. :)

exams coming le.. might not blog much liao..
i cant finish revising chem. not even my sec 3 chem.. ahhh! jiu ming! my amaths is dying too.. -.- i got so many qn duno how to do.. :( haix. will i flunk my mid yr again like last yr..?

6 more mths to olvl.
5 more mths to graduation.
4 more mths to prelims.
3 more mths to olvl eng oral.
2 more mths to my bday! :)
1 more mth to june holidays!

let go.

and smile to your future.

:)?

alone- 7:25 PM

huiyi (:
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